this just in....PET scans are not for pets.

sorry i've been away so long. i have a thousand excuses (some pretty good, some just weak sauce). weather being one of the weaker ones... we've had snow, rain, snow, and more snow. freezing temps. frozen ponds. and snow drifts up to my knees!

and we've had more hardships. we lost our dear ram, einar. and our little orphaned twin goat, ramona. i don't even know what to say. except that it is so completely disheartening to have this happen. we know the reasons. but it doesn't make them any easier. still feels like failure. still makes us mourn. the strong survive. the weak ones fade. i hate it. i really do. but farming is nature. it is life and death. and birth. and seedlings. and giant tomatoes. and evil hornworms. and dogs. and birds. and bunnies.

with mother nature at the reins 24-7 and with us pulling the plough, it's hard to make room for personal issues. like family. and our own health. a month ago i somehow squeezed in a day to drive up to the big city (st louis) for an overdue visit with my oncologist. been having some symptoms (cough, chest pain, along with some other nags here and there). my onc ordered ct scans of chest, and abdomen. and a bone scan.

bone scan came back great. abdomen shows a few weird things but nothing too scary. yay! yay! i'm so happy. whoo hoo! then comes the chest scan report. first off, i have a ruptured implant. geesh! i had no idea. and second, multiple ground glass nodular opacities in lower and middle lobe of lung. huh? wait! what? first i'm thinking , "it's probably scar tissue from radiation. that's happened before". and secondly i'm thinking "WTF are ground glass opacities?" since i live 2 hours away from my oncologists office, i ask to have a copy of report sent to me. you know, just so i can be sure they are reading it right. because, i am so much smarter than a team of doctors and radiologists!

i finally get report in my hot little hands two weeks later (mail is slow in the middle of nowhere). i rip open envelope and start trying to decipher all the information. well, it's definitely not radiation scar tissue as i had hoped. these new spots are on my other lung. my good lung. and the official report reads, "metastatic disease can not be excluded". wow. i've never seen those words before written about me. so ominous. so frank. so nonchalant.

due to these spots, my oncologist ordered a PET scan. which does not involve pets. all my dogs were upset. especially porkchop. he said he has played a doctor on tv many times and was really hoping for a big break on this one. he said he wouldn't even need money. just bacon.

"PET scans are for people. for people!" i said in my best charlton heston.

a pet scan is another way of getting images. especially when looking for cancer. a glucose/radiation cocktail is injected into the vein. cancer cells metabolize different than healthy cells. the imaging can pick up hot spots where cancer is feasting on some day-glo sugar.

so, on feb 2 (groundhog day) i had my very first non-dog PET scan. it took a long time. you lie on this cold table with your arms above your head and the table moves every 4 minutes and takes another picture and you can't move and after about 15 minutes your arms fall asleep and after about 20 minutes you start to wonder if you still have arms because they no longer feel attached to your body and you do your best yoga breathing and eventually start making weird humming noises until finally test is done and nurse is back in the room with you asking if you are ok because you seem a bit freaked out. and the worst part was..... NO CARBS the evening or morning before hand. OMG! i live on cheese AND bread AND crackers AND pasta. not just cheese and cheese.

so jump forward to this week. PET scan results are in. the damn spots are there. but they are too small to say for sure what they are. we can't rule out cancer. but we can't rule it in. and we can't biopsy because it would require major surgery. so standard protocol is to wait three months and scan again. to see if anything changes.

all i can say, is to a cancer survivor, waiting for results suck. it is a recipe for anxiety. we want to know NOW. we want to be proactive. we hate to be sitting ducks (which by the way we just added the most beautiful flock of moscovy ducks to our farm - more on that in a future post).

thank the lord for xanax and red wine and friends and family and ducks and goats and bunnies and donkeys and pigs and blogs!

i will keep you posted. i'm having a little ol'surgery next week to replace my busted implant. and then, i promise to get back hawking my yarn, and to posting anthropomorphic photos of animals.

two for tito.

hay!

tito turned two months old! his little horns are growing. and he's been weaned down to two bottles a day. leaves and grass are replacing milk. he's been outside for a month now and is fitting right in with the rest of the herd. although, he still prefers the company of humans.

comin' at ya!

dried leaves are like 'tater chips.

sitting in a chair on the porch.

on a sad note, we lost of one the orphaned twins, russell this week. we knew this might be a possiblity. orphaned goats have a harder time. their immune systems can take a hit making it difficult to fight off even the least aggressive diseases. still, we are heartbroken. his sister, ramona is doing well. and we are hoping she will thrive and grow into a lovely pygora doe.

been so long...

sorry i've slacked this week on posts. haven't really felt up to it with the loss of marla. can't bear to break out the old canon and shoot any pics. but i will let you all know the kids are fine. russell and ramona are doing phenomenally well. have not needed milk replacer. weaned themselves. amazing little creatures. they are growing by leaps and bounds. and the goat heard has taken them under their collective wing. and then there's the sheep... who also have a bond with the twins. so, things are going really as well if not better than can be expected.

me, i started my new part-time job today. caretaker. my father in law (who had a stroke back in april) is at home and needing assistance during the day between home health visits from his various therapists and while my mother in law goes back to work. i will be doing this a few days a week alternating with other relatives who are giving their time as well. never pictured myself in this position, but here i am. and after all my cancer/surgeries/etc... i have a bit of experience. if nothing else as a patient. and it's nice to be able to give something back. karma for all the love and care i received when i was in need.

promise new pictures sometime soon. until then, check out my husbands new blog, provenance farm which is exclusively illustrated with photographs by the brilliant photographer known otherwise as me.

c'mon 842!

goat eight hundred and forty two

all the pregnant nannies have delivered except for resident refugee 842. marching to her own drum as usual, she prefers to bang her head against barnyard gate and practice her vocabulary. in addition to "ma, ma, ma" she has added "hot, hot, hot". perhaps she thinks she is one hot mamma. i choose not to delve too far into her riddled mind. it frightens me.

instead, how bout some cute kid pics?

audrey in the sky with straw

i'm russell!

leaping leon!

ramona

twins, goat mid-wife, and the mark of the horn.

this has been an interesting week. two days after audrey was born, marla finally gave birth! to twins! a boy and a girl. she had them in the morning before i awoke. and after constant observation, the little boy did not appear to be nursing and looked a tad unthrifty. baby goats need to nurse especially right after being born. if they do not get colostrum (milk with antibodies from mom that is only produced for first day or so after birth), they will die. i first tried to get the little feller to nurse. tried holding him up to nipple and squirting a bit of milk. the little man wouldn't have it. and to top it off, marla panicked a bit. marla is a big big goat. and even though we've had her for over a year, she is still pretty wild. oh and by the way, all this is happening while my husband is at work. so i'm here alone. step two: try to milk marla. why did i think this was even a possibility? i crawl into kidding pen with her. and bribe her with treats. grab a hold of her horns. and then let go with one hand and try to access teat. she takes advantage of the loosened grip and tries to butt me. i put free hand back on horn. talk sweetly to her. pet her nose a bit. then try again. again she tries to attack. this goes on several times. and finally ends with... bam! she flings me against the side of the stall. and leaves a perfect imprint of her horn on my thigh.

i decide i need to jump ahead to plan 3: drive to town and pick up colostrum replacer. long story short. fed little boy colostrum replacer several times throughout the day. and by evening he nursed from mum. and is doing well. meet russell and ramona....

the twins and marla

russell (named after russell brand)

ramona (named just because it sounds good)

a few days go by. and we wake to daisy going into labor right as jason is going to work. he asks if i'm going to be ok alone. i feel confident. daisy is a sweetheart and has no horns. i gather my supplies. bucket, warm water, book with birthing assistance instructions, gloves, lube, and snippers (in case i need to trim umbilical cord). i take a seat in field with daisy. and watch as her water breaks and bubble appears. next i see two little hoofs. no head yet. she seems to be straining. goats need assistance if labor goes on for more than half an hour after water break. so... i consult book. by this time daisy really looks like she needs help. i put on gloves. lube up hands and grab hold of the two little hoofs. then i see something frightening. it looks like the baby has suffocated. it's tongue is sticking out of mouth and appears rather blue. i gentle pull on hooves and the head comes all the way out. i wipe the mucous off face. i see little nostrils blowing bubbles. i clear mucous away from mouth and out comes a sweet little cry. the rest of goat slides out. mom is fine. baby is fine. she cleans him. and within a half hour the little boy is standing and nursing. what an amazing act.

daisy and little boy (not named yet since this just happened)

mother and son

what's next? 842 is still pregnant. i feel it will be within the next few days. and talk about wild goats.... 842 makes marla look like a trained poodle. i'll be wearing armour on that day.