lord... i'm so tired.

as any egomaniac would do... i love to quote myself. hence the title of this post.

i mean it. i'm tired down to my very bones. been sneaking up on me for some time. thought it was neuropathy leftover from chemo years back. recent blood work showed i'm crazy low in b12. and abnormal in several other related blood factors. so low that it has turned my hands numb, my feet numb, sometimes even my lips. i can barely write with a pen. my hearing goes in and out. and the tears... the tears they fall so easily these days.

when i heard the news i was like... gee... i must not know how to eat. but in fact, that is not the case. i eat plenty of b12 (cheese, eggs, meat, bread). i also eat a balanced diet with lots of fresh veggies from our garden. but apparently, my body can't absorb the b12. we don't know why yet. maybe a autoimmune disorder. maybe intestinal issues. maybe we might never know. but now, and possibly for the rest of my life, i get to give myself b12 injections.

this week, i had a nurse teach me how to give myself a shot. ok, i can give a pig a shot. a goat a shot. a dog a shot. but it totally freaks me out putting a needle into my OWN skin and muscle. but, i'm brave. and i'll give it a go. next shot is in two weeks.

it's just so frustrating. my hands are my life. i play piano. i spin yarn. i crochet. i milk a cow. and i write. preferably with pen and paper. that's how songs happen. right now i can barely hold a pen. so i'm gonna attempt writing on computer for a while. but i'm old fashioned. and ritualistic. and insane. and stubborn.

oh, and a recent CT scan of my chest showed that those spots on my lungs didn't magically disappear as i had thought back in may. they are still there. but they are stable. and my oncologist isn't worried about them right now. so i will try my hardest not too either.

and surprisingly, a recent brain MRI showed that my brain is "grossly normal". ha! take that, science!

so forgive me if my future blog posts might tend to be less fantastical-animal-photo-montages and more like a poorly written autobiographical emotional exorcism. i me me mine.

and now to go along with this narcissistic trend... here are some photos of me (courtesy of kristi collins).

the glamorous life

me and kristi laughing in our beer

my girls

the lace and microphones diet

radioactive girl rides again.

since my portrayal was so convincing, a repeat performance has been requested. i get to play radioactive girl once more next week. i got the rest of my scans back and apparently there are some spots on my chest that are of concern. so i will be shot up with the dye and sent to the CT scanning bed next thursday. this is in addition to the ultrasound i need for spots on my breast mri. i swear, i will do ANYTHING to get out of work!

happy labor day to all. i am heading south to spend time with the farm animals including the new addition, leroy. perhaps dress up a puppy or two. celebrate my stepdaughter's birthday. and hopefully eat myself into a food coma.

sir leroy.

radioactive girl as played by lil'scar face.

so a recent follow-up with my oncologist earned me a trip to hospital for a slew of tests. some due to my recent GI problems. and one due to new breast cancer screening guidelines. i started my day with a breakfast of a radioactive contrast iv. then a long and loud not-so-relaxing nap on the breast mri table for some scans. next i headed down the hall for an ultrasound of my gallbladder. i got to hear my liver (or at least a blood vessel in my liver). it sounded just like a heartbeat running through a distortion pedal and a phaser. never knew my liver sounded so cool. next i got to sit in the ct scan prep room. for 2 hours i got to drink some really nasty flavored lemonade and watch daytime tv. then for lunch i received another radioactive injection. and took a power nap on the ct scan table. finally i finished the day off with some good old fashioned xrays. when i left the hospital, i swear i glowed in the dark.

good news is, i survived last week's colonoscopy. and pathology of polyp came back completely benign. big sigh of relief.

not so good news. my mri showed some suspicious spots. i need to go back to hospital for an ultrasound for comparison. i know that a mri can often show false positives. so i'm trying not to worry. but that is easier said than done. thankfully i am equipped with plenty of bubble bath, xanax, and red wine.

i will leave you with a picture from a recent trip to my in-laws. a new batch of pups were born. we have no idea who the father was, but he obviously wasn't a beagle. i'm afraid the mother has a bit of a reputation. none the less, the pups are inherently cute and naturally photogenic.