Halloween AF!

On this day back in 2007, my breast cancer journey was forever entwined with Halloween.  I was in the hospital having my second mastectomy and immediate reconstruction.  Part of the surgery consisted of replacing some of my tissue with a medical product called alloderm (aka sterilized and heavily processed cadaver skin).  Yes, I AM the walking dead.  I walk amongst you.  Me and my frankenbreasts.

Take that!  Happy Halloween!  I see dead people (when I look down)!

Haloween 2019 Marla from Fight Club just cuz

spring fever.

wow! it was 84 degrees yesterday. and 4 days before that it was below freezing and i had to bring baby goat marton inside for the evening. spring weather is crazy!

marton is doing well. we had a scare with him 2 days ago when he had a touch of frothy bloat and constipation. two things that are incredibly serious in baby goats. i caught it in time. and was able to administer enemas which eventually revived his peristaltic action and alleviated the gas from his rumen. i am so relieved. i was not about to lose our newest little guy. it was pretty much the nastiest thing i've ever had to do. and i'm sure he was as confused as i, but it worked. and he is thriving now in this warm spring weather.

i had my 6 week follow-up with my plastic surgeon regarding my implant replacement. it went great. i've healed up nicely. and have been allowed to start doing yoga and farming again!

tried my hand at a little garden work today since the sun was shining. but got very winded after only 1/2 an hour. which was discouraging. but it's hard to get upset when it is an absolutely gorgeous day outside. i did get a chance to peek at the soil in last year's garden. it is a beautiful rich dark color. can't wait to till it and start planting our seedlings. the tower grove farmer's market is coming up in just 5 short weeks! opening day is may 8th. look for more info on our provenance farm blog.

seedlings a growin'

as for my breathing issues, i was able to get an appointment with a great pulmonary specialist next week. he comes highly recommended. and am hoping we can get to the bottom of what is happening with my lungs. wish me luck.

and now, some gratuitous doggy photos (taken during last weekend's thunder storms). all dogs took full advantage!

the GLOPs

little bit (in MY chair) because...

the beagles claimed little bit's chair

and choppy in jason's chair

baby goats are great distractions...

rewind back to january when i went to oncologist for follow-up, had chest CT, then PET scan and found out i had a ruptured left implant and new spots on my right lung. then, being told that i had to wait until end of april for another PET scan to see if spots had grown. jump to february when i had implant replacement surgery where all went well. new implant in place and looks fabulous. then finally, skip to march where i started getting really sick, low-grade fever, shortness of breath, chest pain, racing heart. some i'm sure are stress. some are from a cold i picked up along the way. but some of these symptoms, honestly, just plain scare me. so i saw my oncologist last week. she ordered another chest CT, an EKG, and some blood work. blood work came back perfect. but the CT & EKG results weren't in before this weekend started. remember, i HATE waiting. especially for potentially devastating or hopefully B9 results.

so what is a poor girl in stitches, recovering from surgery, who is freaking out and hyperventilating frequently supposed to do to pass the time? how bout be entertained by some ridiculously cute baby goats.

the weather this week has been warm enough for little marton to start spending his days outside with the flock. tito, the other loner and former bottle-baby, has been showing marton around. introducing him to all his friends, especially the chickens and ducks. the transition was going rather smoothly until..... tito got wind of marton's milk bottle. uh oh! who would think that a 7 month old goat who has been weaned for at least 4 months would still want a ninny bottle? and who would think said goat would actually try and steal a poor 3 week old little newborn goat's milk from said little newborn. well, actually... i did. i pretty much knew this would happen. and it was so freaking cute i had to take a picture. there is also a video i will post as soon as i have downloaded it off my camera and reformatted for the web. so look out for that in near future.

yes, baby goats are a wonderful distraction.

tito greeting marton

marton meeting armel jr.

marton and the gang

tito stealing marton's ninny bottle (now that's just sad)

8 is great.

today i celebrate my 8 year crancerversary. 8 years ago, i got the phone call. and the ball started rolling. and i knocked it out of the court. i slayed a dragon. i shot him dead. and all that good stuff.

in the past 8 years, i have joined a rock n'roll band. i married the love of my life. i quit my desk job of 13+ years, cashed in my retirement, bought a small holding farm in the middle o'nowhere missouri. started a small fiber farm (goats, sheep, angora rabbits, and llama). i've learned to spin yarn, fix an electric fence, shoot a shotgun, gut a chicken, use a riding lawn mower. i've been a goat mid-wife. and so many more things. and i'm still learning and growing.

sometimes i get down on myself. thinking that i have wasted time. not made the most of it. i sink into the evils of equating money with success. no, i don't have tons of money. but i always have food. and i have shelter. and i have the most gorgeous view from our kitchen window.

and now, at 8 years, i am faced with some obstacles. a teeny bump in the road with some reconstruction revision surgery. teeny for me, yes. but it disrupts the flow of the farm. i am unable to work for 6 weeks. therefore, my husband has taken on my role on top of his endless regular roles. and even though he won't admit it, i know it is a burden. and i am truly grateful for him. the critters are doing fantastic!

and then there is also the nagging "what if?" lurking around the corner. the dreaded follow-up PET scan in april. we are trying to think positive. and all prayers, good vibes, voodoo, mojo, magic beans, meditation, humor, etc... that you all have been sending our way is so very very welcome and deeply appreciated. we can feel the love. we can.

if my health permits, my surgeon has given be the thumbs up to go to the 10th Annual Young Survival Coalition/Living Beyond Breast Cancer Conference in Atlanta this weekend. many of my dearest friends will be there and i am so looking forward to seeing them. some i have known since my diagnosis. and we will celebrate our survivorship together.

and now i leave you with the cutest egg i have ever seen in my life.....

recovery is a bitch.

i used to be better at convalescing. back when i had a desk job. surgery was almost like vacation. i got to sleep late. watch tv. be pampered. etc...

times have changed. i no longer have the dreaded 9-5. i am my own boss. and i actually enjoy getting up and working. because i am a farmer now. i wake up each day to fresh air and aerobic exercise. oh, i know, it's not all wine and roses. i bitch about farming too. especially in the dead of winter when it's freezing and i've got a flock of goats screaming for their breakfast. but i realized that as hard as the work is sometimes, i miss it. i like my life. i really do.

had my implant swap surgery on tuesday. went off without a hitch. was sent home same day with meds and instructions. the instructions are actually quite simple... "do nothing". all i am supposed to do is take 10 deep breaths every hour. and every two hours take a gentle walk inside the house. other than that... i'm not supposed to do anything! it even says in all caps in my post-op instructions "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO HOUSEWORK NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU FEEL". so what exactly is a yoga-addict, field-walking, dog-playing, animal photographer, farm-girl supposed to do with nothing?

i feel like i'm wasting time. but i have to keep reminding myself that i will end up wasting much more time if i don't follow docs orders and wind up developing complications. so, i've been watching lots of movies and documentaries on the ol'roku. and reading a nice depressing swedish vampire book. learning prince songs on piano. and translating warren zevon's songs into french. and surfing the internet like a mad woman.

meanwhile, my husband is taking care of my flock. we recently lost our dear female pygmy goat, violet, to polio. she was a beauty. we are afraid her sister daisy might be going down the same road. jason is making sure that she is getting the bestest of best care. and last night daisy got to come into the house for a bite of dinner (a special blend of minerals, grains, & nutrients just for her) at "happy joe's". this little excursion was i think, perhaps the best medicine for the both of us.

daisy at happy joe's

been so long...

sorry i've slacked this week on posts. haven't really felt up to it with the loss of marla. can't bear to break out the old canon and shoot any pics. but i will let you all know the kids are fine. russell and ramona are doing phenomenally well. have not needed milk replacer. weaned themselves. amazing little creatures. they are growing by leaps and bounds. and the goat heard has taken them under their collective wing. and then there's the sheep... who also have a bond with the twins. so, things are going really as well if not better than can be expected.

me, i started my new part-time job today. caretaker. my father in law (who had a stroke back in april) is at home and needing assistance during the day between home health visits from his various therapists and while my mother in law goes back to work. i will be doing this a few days a week alternating with other relatives who are giving their time as well. never pictured myself in this position, but here i am. and after all my cancer/surgeries/etc... i have a bit of experience. if nothing else as a patient. and it's nice to be able to give something back. karma for all the love and care i received when i was in need.

promise new pictures sometime soon. until then, check out my husbands new blog, provenance farm which is exclusively illustrated with photographs by the brilliant photographer known otherwise as me.

jive turkey cookie.

i got good news. pathology came back. all negative. there was some fibrous & scar tissue that i'm sure would have warranted future biopsies. so i'm glad it's gone for good. went for follow-up today. still have drainage tubes for at least another week. and i'm in more pain than i expected. but otherwise i am healing very well.

and to celebrate.... leroy cookies (courtesy of amber rook). sugar cookies fashioned in the shape of turkeys. we might even feed ol'leroy a few tomorrow. would that be cruel?

11/09/07 note: there was a photo attached yesterday. it has since disappeared. perhaps because we fed cookies to leroy today. i have no idea. but i hate the internet. also been trying to upload a video of leroy eating the cookie. but it is tied up indefinitely in net-land. technology has gone to the birds.

cha, cha, cha, changes....

what a week it has been. i celebrated halloween in the hospital getting my good breast (well actually at that point it was down-graded to "fair" or "as-is") hacked off. the doctors put me back together a la frankenstein. literally. my new breast is partially made from cadaver skin. how fitting for a halloween mastectomy. i got a sneak peek at hospital before they bandaged me up. looks awesome. maybe the skin came from a neurosurgeon, an olympic athlete or a famous super-model. maybe i will develop super powers. maybe i'll finally be able to dream in french.

this week also marked the arrival of our 70 inch long baby girl. well, she's not really a baby. she's 17 years old and a senior in high school. amber, my step-daughter, has come to live with us permanently due to some unfortunate circumstances beyond her control. the timing was a little weird. most women have 9 months to prepare for motherhood. i had a week. but that is just fine. everything happens for a reason. and i couldn't be more thrilled. i'm so happy she is here. this new house of ours really feels like home now.

in addition to amber, the homestead acquired another family member this weekend. leroy, the turkey. and now for a little background on leroy.... leroy had a rough beginning. he was raised in a cage entirely too small for his body. as he grew, his legs became maimed, his feet became swollen and his wings became broken. jason's parents rescued the poor creature at a local animal sale. he's a funny fellow. loves junk food, especially donuts. he's been pardoned for life. he will never be dinner. he'll get to spent the rest of his days eating bugs, wandering the fields, and eating the occasional hostess ding-dong.

november is gonna be alright....

amber's new room.

leroy's arrival.

mmm.. bread.

surgery.

surgery was this morning. i'm home now, convalescing in style, eating vicodin and sporting my stitches, trendy hospital bracelet and iv bruise. breast surgery is such a surreal experience. i've had several in my short life. and they have all been equally odd. today's began with a needle localization procedure to mark the site of the mass since it was not palpable. i was carted away in my wheel-chair carriage, through the lobby, down dark corridors, and into a room with a very complicated mammography machine. my nurse wheeled me up to machine/monster and pictures were taken (i'm so sure these are all over internet by now). i had to stay in compression for about ten minutes while more pictures were taken and a needle was driven into my breast, then tied off with wire. when i was done, i felt like a christmas ornament. and i kept thinking, these people (the doctors and nurses) do this all day long. what a weird job.

my carriage returned me to pre-op where my bed and heated blankets awaited. soon after the nurse gave me my anesthesia and the rest is a blur. i woke up. felt fine but couldn't stop shaking. nurse slipped something into iv to take care of that. i ate some pretzels, drank some water, and was on my way.

surgeon said cysts appeared to be benign. but they will be sent to lab for further investigation and to examine the calcifications. i should have an answer by thursday. i am feeling pretty good, thanks to my wonderful husband, my fabulous surgeon, and vicodin.

so what do i do now to pass the time? well, the hospital sent me home with goodies. they handed jason a pink bag we left. i didn't think anything of it at the time because i was still pretty out of it, and i was starving! so after i ate, came home, and took a nap, curiosity got the best of me. what's in the bag???? all my films from the past five years. all of them. even the bad ones. hey kids, wanna see slides from my cancer vacation? the films from 2002 were crazy. my breast was lit up like a christmas tree or an independence day sky. its funny how something so deadly can be so beautiful.

the waiting continues, but it's getting better all the time.