beauty in the time of quarantine

Havent felt like blogging since the world stopped spinning round. life is strange.  We are all in this together but apart.

No cancer updates.  I was supposed to go in for a followup with my oncologist in March to test blood levels but appointment was postponed until June due to covid-19.  I am just going to assume everything is fine.  My last scans in December had shrinkage so I am going to believe that the medicine is continuing to shrink my lung nodules.

Meanwhile, I have been thinking.  Trying to make sense of what is happening.  And I was thinking about fear.  And more specifically, the fear you get as a cancer survivor.  That fear of recurrence.  How you worry about pains in a different way than other people.  That cough that wont go away.  Is it cancer?  Bronchitis?  Allergies?  That splitting headache.  Is it a migraine or brain metastases?  Last year, my fear came true.  Now that Covid-19 is here.  It is like the whole world knows what it is like to live in the fear of recurrence.  To be so close death.  To have it lurking on the periphery.  To worry if that sore throat is just a sore throat from a cold.  Or corona?  Is that cough just from allergies?  Or the Big C.  Which C?

This is all so scary.  And you would think that I would be more adept to deal with this kind of fear.  But Covid-19 is scarier than cancer.  At least it is to me.  Cancer isn't contagious.

I do ok most days.  As long as I am home.  And my husband is home.  And my daughter is home (well, she’s always home now).  If we are all here.  And we can feel the sun.  And we can walk around on our little ranch.  And we have food.  And wine.  I am ok.  But if someone has to leave.  Panic sets in.  Or I read the news.  And then more news.  And I see the numbers.  And I just don't know.

Today, I lost my shit.  It all started when... I knew I had to LEAVE THE HOUSE to pick up something from my daughter’s school.   Followed by a simple request from my daughter for fast food.   She hasn't had anything like that in a long time.  She hasn't had lots of things in a long time.  Like contact with other children (except for on zoom).  She hasn’t played with another child in over a month.  She just wanted a treat.  A slice of former life.  She wanted...  Dairy Queen.  I know.  It isn't healthy.  But it is the only fast food drive thru in our little town.  And it would bring some some light to a f’d up situation.  Back before the pandemic, we would stop by DQ on the way home from school for a treat.  So, it would make sense she would want it now.  We were going to be near her school.  However, the thought of going to a fast food drive thru during the pandemic made me break out in all kinds of sweats.  I wondered how DQ was adapting to covid-19?  I googled DQ and couldn't find any info on their website.  What kind of safety precautions were they taking?  Were they wearing masks?  Gloves? Could you pay in advance?  How did their employees feel?  Did they feel safe?   Fear snuck in.  Fear sunk in.  And I went down, down, down the rabbit hole.   I went to a very dark place.  I let myself imagine the worst case scenarios.  What if me and my husband got sick at the same time and had to be hospitalized? Where would my child go? What if we both died?  All this risk.  And for what?  Junk food.   I got hysterical.  I cried. I sobbed.  I cried some more.  Then, I sat still for a bit.  And then, I made some masks (thanks to Matthew McConaughey and his Bobby Bandito DIY bandana mask tutorial).  I felt proactive.  Productive.  And then, I thought.  I remembered we have ANOTHER fast food place in town.  We have a... Pizza Hut.  I googled them.  They had a covid statement on their website. They had online order and pay options.  They had curbside pickup.   My daughter was excited about getting breadsticks and smiled!  Maybe the risk was no less.  Maybe it is just as dangerous to order any kind of takeout.  We just don't know enough about this disease yet.  But if there is anything I learned from having cancer is that life is fleeting.  And happiness is so important.  Allowing yourself to be happy.   So, we wore the masks.  We got the pizza.  We washed our hands when we got home (actually, I washed mine like a gazillion times).  My daughter and I snuggled on the couch.  We ate the glorious junk food and watched “An Unfortunate Series of Events” on Netflix.  And for a moment, we were happy.

Speaking of happiness...

Taking a walk outside on our land is my comfort food.  When I feel stressed.  Sad.  Angry.  Pissed.  Hopeless.  I go outside.  And my whole body and mind changes.  I feel the sun.  I see the sky.  I hear birds.  And of course, all our goofy animals.  Hannah, the horse.  The GLOPs.  The chickens.  They greet me and make me smile.  I go outside and try to notice something small.  A tiny fossil.  A bug.  A little lichen.  Beauty is all around me.  Beauty in the time of quarantine.  So, Ive been trying to take photos of the beauty I witness.   Here are a few...

Note:  I have tried to write this short blog on and off for the past 24 hours.  It is hard to get a chunk of time to formulate thoughts into words and on to a page these days.  It is challenging (to say the least) while in quarantine in a tiny house with an only child who wants to tell me everything she is thinking or doing or thinking about doing always.  By the time I finished writing this,  I almost trashed it.  It lost the spark.  I didn't feel that way anymore.  By now, I feel like... why am I writing this?  Who cares?  Why would anyone read this?  Who am I?  What is the point?  I don't know what the point is anymore.  But I miss writing.  I miss creating.  And I miss connecting.   Maybe that is enough.