i can do this...

today was my follow-up oncologist visit. since i had already received the awesome scan results (largest lung nodule has shrunk 50%)  over the phone two weeks ago, this was more of a formality visit.  it was also for 💉 blood labs. oncologists love to take blood 🧛🏽‍♂️ !!  if everything comes back good on the blood, then i will continue with Tamoxifen. then more blood labs in 3 months.   and then scans 3 months after that.   it is beginning to feel like a normal schedule.  it feels routine.  it feels doable.  i can do this.

i still break down from time to time.  thinking over what i have been thru.  and what i might be facing in the future, someday... like chemo.  but that is not now.   and i am thankful for that.  because my body feels very old.  i look like i have aged 20 years in 9 months.  i have always been told that i don't look my age.  people would say, wow you look great for 40, 45, 49.  well, now that i am 4 months shy of turning 50, time has caught up with me.  but why is aging such a negative thing in our society? why should i not want to look my age?   i have plenty of sisters in survivorship who are no longer with us that did not get that chance.  aging is a privilege.  it is a gift to grow old.  wrinkles are the wrapping paper on that gift.  i need to keep telling myself this.  i need to keep telling myself that this is ok.  i need to tell myself this EVERY time i look in the mirror.   i want to pass this down to my daughter.  i want her not to be afraid of change and of growing old.  i need to love myself, my current changing self just as i learned to love my scars and my franken-breasted self years ago.   i have to remember how far i have come. yes, i have a lot more white hair than i did last year.  yes, i am still going to dye it crazy colors.  not because i think it will make me look younger.  but because it is fun.  it makes me happy.   i am also trying to practice yoga daily.  if only for 20 minutes.  but it is something.  i have been given a second chance for a second time.  so i am going to try and do my best with what i’ve got.

and i have been working hard all this Fall on recording music. playing shows by myself the last two years was exhausting.  emotionally and physically.  i figured i would take time off and record an album.  so i began learning computer software.  it wasn't/isn’t easy.  it can be completely frustrating.  learning how to set up mics.  and how to mix tracks.  how to save data and how to not lose data!  somedays i feel like i am getting somewhere.  somedays i want to scrap it all.   i don't feel legit.  i feel like an imposter.  i ask myself, what makes me a musician?  i am not getting paid.  i am not performing live shows.  what makes it real?  thankfully, i have been listening to a lot of amanda palmer lately.  she is an amazing songwriter and activist.  and she says, “if you can, you must.”  she also says, “make art” and “make light out of the dark.”   so, i am going to keep making shit.  even if it’s just for a handful of people out there because... i can.  i can do this.