Friday, January 20, 2012

monday's fortune.

here we are. at the end of the 4 month holding period. monday will be the greatly anticipated follow-up PET scan. a white-coated fortune teller will gaze into a crystal computer and all will be revealed. what will my future hold?

i've played so many different scenarios in my head. the spots light up. they have grown. but still not enough to biopsy. then what? wait another excruciating 4 months? or just blindly start treatment and see what happens?

or, there are more spots. maybe one close to the edge of lung that could be surgically removed.

or, the cancer set sail for a distant shore and landed on the aisle of liver or the coast of bone. skeleton. pirates!

or maybe the spots are stable. then what? which is good. but would still warrant future scans. ongoing. with me leading my family into the great unknown. forever.

but that is really what life is. the great unknown. forever. we don't ever know our exact future. we can get maps. and statistics. and pieces of information to help guide us. but life is a mystery.

i do hope, though, that this test gives me a clue. right now i feel stagnant. caught in a proverbial bermuda triangle. like bill murray in ground hog day. i need to move forward. i need an answer. whatever it may be.

and i have already picked out several wigs in case chemo is in order. my favorite is huge and blue with pink highlights and antlers growing out of a fabulous sequined headband. and no, i'm not thinking negatively by envisioning myself needing chemo. planning ahead helps me cope. and shit, even if i don't need chemo, i might just wear a a crazy wig anyway. and a ballgown. and have tea with rosemary and the goats. whilst we tell tales of pirates and gypsies. and ground hogs. especially the elusive belgrade bill. who does exist.

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